he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
