I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
