Will you blow on my dice?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
