wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
