i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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