the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
