Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
