Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
