You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
