just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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