I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
