I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
