I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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