i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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