Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
