Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
