I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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