3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
