So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
