I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
