Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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