Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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