New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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