I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
