Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
