well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
