Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
