I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
