He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
