Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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