A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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