her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
this will be a night to untag.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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