Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
