Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
