i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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