Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
