then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
