you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
