Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
