We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
