if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The best revenge is premature balding
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
