dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
