I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
