she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
soo... how was my night?
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