Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
