i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
