My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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