i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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