a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
