There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
